The Tolerance Nobody Talks About

00:00This is the Still Star Podcast — where we talk about faith in the middle of the mess. I'm your host, Star. Let's go.

I was sitting there thinking this morning about honesty. I have often been told that I'm too harsh — and I couldn't shake it. We are living in a society of conditional truths. What is true to me — not necessarily what is actually true, what is. But the Bible doesn't talk about that as truth.

01:00And I got to thinking — what does the Bible say? What does Scripture tell me about this? So I started searching. I searched for the word intolerance. And it didn't show up. Not once. Not in any major translation. So I sat with that. The Bible does not use the word intolerance. What does that really mean?

I looked for tolerance — and tolerance appears several times. In particular when Scripture speaks about God's character and His righteousness. The way that tolerance gets expressed in the Bible is patience, bearing with one another, kindness, being slow to anger. But the word intolerance itself does not appear. It does tell us to be tolerant — in fact, Paul tells the church in a couple of his letters, you need to learn to accept each other.

02:00So I sat with that for a while. Because I think we as a society are really wrestling with intolerance — and God doesn't even use that word. Everything about Him is the exact opposite. He shows us what patience looks like. He shows us what bearing with us looks like. We make mistakes. We make more mistakes. And He forgives us. He welcomes us back. He loves us. He shows us where the line is when love has something hard to say. He's truthful with us. He doesn't sugarcoat it — when we're wrong, we're wrong, and we need to change. But it's the way He says it.

03:00So I started asking myself — well, if God is tolerant, and He's asking me to bear with one another and to be patient — then where is the line? How long am I patient? And somewhere in the middle of reading all of this, the question got turned around on me. Because if I can be intolerant of others, how often am I intolerant of myself?

Am I really intolerant of me? Am I tolerant of me? The voice in my head was reminding me — when I make a mistake or fall short or don't handle something the way I wish I had — I am not very nice to myself. Not tolerant at all. Not patient with me. I get angry with myself easily. And I tell myself things I would never tell anyone else.

04:00Things like — you were supposed to be further along by now. You should have done that. You keep failing at the same thing. Star, what is wrong with you. And that really does sting. But I would never say anything like that to a friend. I would never talk to my son that way. I would never say it to a woman who came to me crying about her situation. I wouldn't turn it around and start telling her she caused it, that she's doing it wrong. I wouldn't try to make her feel guilty.

So why do I do that to myself when I'm getting ready for bed at night, thinking about how my day went? I realized — there is some truth to being harsh. But there is a difference between being honest and being harsh.

05:00So I went on, trying to learn more. And the thing that stuck with me was Psalm 103:8.

“The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love.”

Slow to anger. It doesn't say He doesn't experience anger. He cares about when we do the right things and the wrong things. He cares about the way we hurt ourselves and the way we hurt others. But He is tolerant. He is slow to anger. And then this question popped into my head — and it really wrecked me. Why am I so fast to get angry with myself?

06:00Then this other verse came to mind. It says it is the kindness of God that leads us to repentance. Not His contempt. Not His disappointment. His kindness.

“Or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, forbearance and patience, not realizing that God's kindness is intended to lead you to repentance?” — Romans 2:4.

So if the Holy Spirit's job is to convict me — and it is, He is the presence of God with us now, and He convicts me when I do things wrong — but He does it with kindness. He never does it with contempt.

07:00Which means when I hear those voices in my head that are harsh and crushing, the ones globally saying you are wrong, you are always wrong, you never, you ruin things — that is not the voice of the Holy Spirit. He doesn't talk to us like that.

There is a real difference between being convicted and being condemned. From the outside they might feel similar. But they are not the same thing. Conviction is specific. It names the thing. It says — hey, that conversation went sideways and I owe her an apology. And when that happens, I feel convicted, and I want to apologize. I want to tell them I was wrong. And I have hope to make things better.

08:00On the other hand, condemnation is global. It tells you who you are. You are always making the wrong choice. You are always making things worse. You are ruining everything. You are the problem. When I get talking to myself that way and I see myself in the mirror, I don't feel hopeful. I feel sad. I feel torn. I feel condemned. That is not God. That is not the Spirit.

One is the Spirit. The other is not. And I think we have spent a lot of years misunderstanding the difference between being convicted and being condemned.

09:00So here is something I want you to think about. It's small. It's practical. You can start using it tonight. When that tape starts running — the one that lists everything you do wrong, everything you didn't do, everything you didn't finish, everything you didn't fix — stop. Don't argue with it. Don't try to debate it. Just ask yourself one question.

Would I say these things to my best friend?

If the answer is no, you have your answer. That voice that is condemning you is not from God. He is slow to anger. Slower than you are with yourself.

10:00And I am saying this to me as much as I am saying it to you. Because where I have landed is — I need to be more tolerant with myself. Being tolerant with myself is not lowering my standards. It is not pretending that something I did wrong doesn't matter. It is not avoiding the hard look in the mirror.

It is the same thing God offers me. Patience while I grow — just like He is patient with me while I grow. Mercy in the middle of the mess. Truth that comes wrapped in love instead of contempt. That is the kind of truth we need. That is how we are truly honest.

11:00When we fall short, we can still be gentle with ourselves. We can be gentle with the person near us who we love who is also falling. We can do both. At the same time. That is how God does it. That is how He has always done it with me. That is how He is doing it with you right now, while you're listening.

Lord — for the woman who is listening to me right now, the one who is so much harder with herself than she is with anyone she loves — meet her right where she is. Let her hear Your voice today, and know it by what it doesn't do. It doesn't crush. It doesn't condemn. It doesn't tell her she should be further along. Let Your kindness lead her back, however many times it takes. Amen.

12:00Next week we're going to flip this around. We're going to talk about the people in your life you didn't pick. Your mother-in-law. The grown child. The husband of nineteen years. The friend who only calls when she needs something. We're going to talk about what it actually means to bear with someone in love — and where the line is when bearing with starts to mean tolerating harm.

This is a three-part series on tolerance, and I'm really glad you're here for it.

If something in this episode hit you in a tender spot, would you do me a favor? Send it to one friend. Don't make a big deal out of it. Just say — hey, I listened to this and it made me think of you. That's how this little show grows. That's how women find each other.

13:00Until next time — God sees you. God is with you. And He is still holding you together, one day at a time.

Be still. Star. ✦