Hi friends. Welcome to Still Star Podcast. For anyone trying to find faith in the middle of a mess, I am Star. And today we're talking about something that might feel hard to admit even out loud. What if the God you were taught to fear isn't the God who's actually been walking with you. I grew up in a house that was filled with church. My dad was a Pentecostal minister. My mom was very strict. And faith was always in the air. It was loud. There was a lot of discipline, and our faith was all rule driven. At least that's how it felt. We went to church seven days a week, and for the longest time we actually lived in the same campus as the church. We actually lived in a house behind the church. I heard about God 24/7.

Yet God often felt very far away. I learned that God was angry and demanding and He was always ready to punish. I remember being scolded not because of my behavior, not for the things I did — and as all kids, I did a lot of dumb things. But I was scolded because of the way I thought. I was told and taught that I could not trust anyone, not even myself. And my parents always reminded me that we were special. We weren't like the people who we served in ministry. We were from someplace else. We had a different background. We weren't like them. And that made everything so much more complicated because I felt out of place.

I felt out of sorts. Our life was about God. And God was someone I feared. Not in a reverent way, but in a fearful way. He's gonna condemn me. I'm going to hell. I'm going to burn in hell. There was a lot of that in my childhood, until eventually I walked away. I didn't consciously walk away from God — in hindsight, that really wasn't what I did. But I did walk away from the version of God that had been weaponized in my home. When people asked, I would say that I was very spiritual, but I did not believe in religion. And while I made an effort in my private life to live like God was still there watching over me —

He also felt very far away. Like He was looking at me from a far distance. He was always watching, and there was a part of me that believed He was always waiting to strike. It wasn't until much later — after the accident, after becoming a mother, after heartbreak and healing — that I met a version of God that I did not know existed. The Real God. Hebrews 12:10–11 says: "Our human fathers discipline us for a little while as they thought best. But God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in His holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace."

When I read that, I realized that discipline from God isn't a punishment. It's a restoration. And then I read Romans 8:15: "The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again. Rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship." So I was like — wait a minute. We are not called to serve a controlling dictator. We're called to trust a loving father. Perfect love never uses fear as a tool. That's a lot to think about. It was a lot to process. Maybe you have been carrying around someone else's version of God — one that was handed to you out of control, out of trauma, or family tradition.

It is funny — just because we go to church every Sunday or we're born into a Christian family doesn't make us Christians. Our Pastor always says that, and I think that is so true. Because really we fall into that. This is our tradition, this is what we grew up with, and we believe the version of God that we're taught. And never really — at least for me — never really went out of my way to learn more about God. What my parents said, especially a minister, with all of his education about theology and his job as a pastor and eventually a bishop — he had to have been right. So I believed in that tradition, in what they taught me. Maybe you have confused fear for reverence. Maybe you feel guilt for conviction. Maybe you're —

— feeling shame instead of truth. But friend — God is not angry with you. He is not disgusted. He is not tired of your tears. He doesn't roll His eyes at your stories. He is still walking with you. And when we finally let go of who we thought God was, there is a moment where we really begin to see who He always has been. There's a song that completely unraveled me. The first time I heard it, it said: "You are not the God I thought You were. You are not mad and You're not harsh." I was driving in my car and I heard that line and I started to tear up — because that was the moment I realized I wasn't the only one who had been serving a version of God that wasn't even real. I knew that He was still —

— waiting for me. That He still waits for me every day. And I think the biggest shock was the realization that there were so many other people out there. I mean, if I felt it, I thought it was because of my being a preacher's kid. But there are other people out there like me who thought God was an angry God. A punishing God. I didn't understand that there was so much grace. God, I lift up the woman listening right now who feels afraid of You — afraid of messing up, afraid of judgment, afraid of being too broken to be loved. I pray You whisper again who You really are. That she understands that You are slow to anger, rich in love, full of mercy.

I pray You untangle every lie she learned in the name of faith. I pray You replace her fears with peace. Replace her shame with grace. Let her feel the God that You truly are — and that You are holding her now, not with threats, but with love. In Jesus' name, amen. If this episode spoke to you, send it to someone else who needs to hear it. And if you're wrestling with your faith, I'm here. God isn't mad at you. He's not done with you. You're still His. You're still loved. You're still Star!