Held Together (Even Here)

Hey friend, welcome to Still Star — a space for faith in the middle of the mess. I’m Star, and I’ve lived a life that’s seen both trauma and triumph — through broken bones, broken faith, broken relationships. And somehow still, I’ve been held together by God’s love. This podcast isn’t about being perfect or being polished. It is about being honest. It is about finding peace when life is chaotic, and finding beauty when everything around you feels broken. Each week we’ll talk through scripture, stories, and what it means to walk with God when things are hard. So if you’ve ever felt like your life was a little too messy for God — this space is for you. You’re not alone. You’re still here. You’re still loved. You’re still held.

Hi friends. This is the episode I almost didn’t record. Why? Because I’m still in the middle of it. I’m still learning. I’m still wrestling. But that is the whole point of Still Star. It is not about having it all figured out. It is about showing up in the middle of the mess and choosing to believe that God is still good — even here, even when everything is crazy, even when everything is falling apart. So thank you for being here with me today.

If we’ve never met before — hi. I’m Star. My real name is Miriam Estrella. Most of my life, the people who really know me call me Star, and I guess that name’s always felt a little ironic — because life has often felt more like shadows than stars. I grew up in the church. My dad was a Pentecostal minister. My mother was complicated. The home I grew up in was full of faith and also full of fear — full of shame and spiritual confusion. I learned early that God was to be feared, but not in a reverent way. In a punished, distrusted, don’t step out of line kind of way. And so eventually, I walked away from religion, from my parents, from the life that I grew up knowing. I found success. I found love. I found pain. I found trauma. I found heartbreak. I also found healing. And all of that was before I found my way back to a God who never left me — who was always by my side, even when I did not know He was still there.

The reason for this podcast is because He never left me. And maybe you need to be reminded of that too. I’ve had metal screws in my legs since 2010. I fell from a three-story high escalator at the San Francisco Airport — and that should have been it. Just thinking about it hurts all over. But I did not completely break. Instead, something woke up inside of me. Sometimes when I think about that horrible day, I joke that God pushed me down the escalator just to remind me that He was still there. For the first time in a long time, I started asking real questions again.

I’ll tell you frankly — a couple of nights after my surgery, I had a heart attack. I did not want to live. The thought that I was going to have to live and possibly not walk again, have to be dependent on others — I started asking God: Where are you? Why am I still here? And I wondered over time — what was my purpose? What was He trying to show me? In the years after the accident, God answered those questions for me. Not all at once. But piece by piece.

Nearly eight years ago, I found a church that welcomed me with open arms — through my husband’s sobriety and salvation. Through the moment I realized God wasn’t the God of fear and punishment — that He was the God of grace. And most recently — through the decision to place my teenage son, my heart, in a residential treatment center. I tell you, there was a part of me that felt so broken. Devastated, really. My beautiful boy, he’s my heart. But somehow, in the middle of all this heartbreak, I found peace. Not because everything is perfect — but because I know now that God is not punishing me. He is holding me together.

A few days ago I opened to Psalm 103, verse 13: “As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him.” And then I read 1 John 4:18: “There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear.” I don’t know what you’ve been taught about God. But I’m here to tell you, friend — fear is not the goal. God’s love is perfect. And when you feel like everything is crashing around you, His love holds you together. I am living proof of that. You don’t have to have all the answers. You don’t have to get it all right. You don’t even have to feel strong today. You just need to remember this: You’re still here. And God still loves you. You are not forgotten. You are not disqualified. You are not beyond repair.

Prayer — Dear God: for the woman listening right now who feels like she’s holding on by a thread, I pray You remind her that You are holding her. For the mama who’s made hard decisions and wonders if You still see her — remind her that You do. For the one who feels too broken to be beautiful — whisper again: “I will make all things new.” Thank You for Your grace that covers us, for the peace that holds us, and for the love that finds us even in the middle of the wilderness. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Thanks for spending time with me today. If this episode spoke to you, share it with a friend or send me a message — I’d love to hear your story. Until next time, remember: God sees you. God is with you. And He is still holding you together, one day at a time.